Sometimes the pain is just too much

Tonight I just feel pain. I keep dreaming about babies. Last night it was an odd composite of the trip to Colorado and Rich and I being engaged still. We had a beautiful baby boy - about 1 1/2 or 2 years old. He wasn't ours. I thought he was my nephew, Rich thought he was his nephew but somehow he was with us. Today since I've been awake I've been haunted by images of this boy. That's just the most recent dream I've had about babies... They've all been boys. Alone is how I feel and frustrated and hopeless. It feels like we'll never pay off the debt, never get our finances and weight under control, I won't be able to beat PCOS or anything else. I'm working out every day at lunch when I'm at work - 40-50 minutes. Yet I come home and don't eat well. I just feel so tired. I don't know how to continue this up hill battle. I told Rich tonight I didn't want to think about anything serious - we should get a $5 pizza a bottle of soda and some yummy dessert. After we finished eating I started being restless and want to get up and do something. But I just felt so tired and so defated. Rich has been sleeping for about an hour but I've been reading. Just to escape into my reading. And how selfish am I? We're doing this Gifts from the Heart thing for Enrichment so I painted a clay pot and bought a sweet basil plant to put in it and wrote instructions and I just keep looking at the pot because I'm really proud of the job I did. I want to keep it. I want it for me. But that's not the point - the point is to create gifts for sisters in need in the ward. I guess I want everything I can't have. I don't want to go to church tomorrow. Seeing everyone with their kids and husbands is just too painful. I hate not having Rich there - I hate he has to work and I have to sit alone. Or worse yet, sit with my family like I'm in high school again. If I don't sit with them I stick out like a sore thumb and then am given a hard time later. And I worry. We're not doing a very good job of FHE, tithing, praying or reading scriptures. I at least have a calling and can go to church. I feel like its my weekly wakeup call to do better. But I get home and Rich is just so secular now I have no one to help propel me to be better. I keep bringing this up with Rich. Keep telling him I'm worried and he promises we'll do better but we don't... I need him to be the patriarch and he's not. I'm resentful and it's unfair to him. I want to have a baby so badly but I feel boxed in by all of these bad decisions - all ones that I made after getting married. It's not Rich's fault but as I spend so many nights crying after he goes to bed I want to blame him. I want to blame someone!!! It's really truly not his fault. He is kind and compassionate and a fantastic husband. But he needs me to help him be responsible and to be better... I guess I'll be the strong one for both of us. I'll pull myself together and keep going - even if it feels like I'm dying inside. Some days I feel like I'm OK but then I get another dream about having a baby and it starts it off again. Then the worries about weight and money starting whirling around. With the house we can't even afford to be a single income family so who will take care of the kids? My mom? That was our plan but she's already saying how taxing having just Addison around is. I feel so boxed in - we can't afford day care. And if I'm not there to teach my children the gospel who will? If I could do it all over again I'd have said no to eating out which would solve the weight and money problem and I've never have bought the house. Sure I didn't love living in an apartment but I could have been a stay at home mom. We'd have found a way to buy a house at some point but now I don't know if we'll ever find a way to have me home with our kids.